19.07.2017

whatdoyoumeanconqeritimeanyouknowhowitfeelslikeitslikeaskinirritationandmymusclesgettightandmystomachactsweirdandmybodypullsitselfontheinsidewantingtomaybehidefromthisworldidontknowitnevertellsmeandmyheadletsnotevengettheremyheadisallblurredandicannevercapturewhatimthinkingwhenimanxioussometimesivetoliterallybelikeohwaitmaybeimanxiousrightnowhowdoieventrustthatthiscomplicatedshtoffeelingsplusthoughtscaneverbemadesenseofforgethavingbeinggivenanameandtreatmentontopofitadoctortoldmejusttodaythatthedrugsareactuallymakingmeazombiethattheyreliterallyjustnumbingmybraincellsandharmingmeinwaysicanneverhealfromhesaysishouldgconquermyanxietybecauseiammadeforlargerthingsiwanttobelievehimivebelievedsomanypeoplesomanydoctorstakentheirmedsbeenovermedicatedabusedmyanxietyworsenedafterbeingdiagononedbutapartofmeisstillhopefullitsstilllikebrocomeonemaybethiswillworksoivedecidedtogivethisdoctorachancehesaysillhavetogetmyheartratedowntobelow50itiscurrently83orsomethingidontevenknowhowthesethingsworkbutishouldtodayhemademelearnthenameofmymedicineslikenotthenameofthetabletbutliterallytheingredientsclonazepam0.5mglevitiracetam500mganddesvenseflaxinesighokaysothesearetheingredientsratherchemicalsthataremessingwithmybrainandliterallyalteringitmaybethatexplainshowicannotrememberstuffevenstufflikerelationshipsandhowibuiltthemandphonenumbersaaahsoirritatingtodayhesaidwehavefourweeksandalthoughitiskindoflessifilistentohimicangetbettersoimgonnagiveitashopitllrequiremewakingupat5butificangetridofthisbullshitthenillgiveitmybestshortconqueritmanishaconquerit.

11.07.17

whyistherapysoexpensiveidontgetitimeanwhydoihaveanexpensiveillnesswellmaybemostpeopledontevengettheirsdiagonosedtobeabletogettreatmentandmedicationandtherapyokaysoabout22500for15sessionsofcbtifeellikethepressureandexpensewillgivememoreanxietythanwhatitcancureandnowmasitsinfromofmeandwhenisaymaybeiwouldntgothatishouldvethoughtofthisearlierwhatdoessheevenmeanbythatiknowshecaresformeandonlywantsmetogetbetterbuthowdoitellpeoplethatwhentheycareforsomeoneespeciallywithamentalillnessthattheyshouldprobablybecarefulwiththeirwordsnoiamnotangryimjustgulpingmytearsbecauseidontwanttobemoreofapainthaniknowialreadyamoneminuteimfineandliterallythenextminuteanythingcantriggermyanxietymynervestremblemusclestightenchestgetsheavierandeverybreathfeelslikeaburdensomuchforthisprovilegedlifeihavewhichevenmakesmeguiltyforcomplainingihavethreebacklogslefttofinishmydegreefromcollegeandhomehasbeenkindandwarmandlazybutsometimesifeelsosuffocatedidontknowwheretogomaybethesuffocationisreallyinmeandnotanywhereelseihavealsobeensharingmyexperienceswithanxietywithalotofpeopleandhavebeenopenaboutitwhichmakespeoplecomfotabletotalktomeaboutitidontreallyknowhowmuchicanhelporificanhelpatallbutithelpsmeatleasttoknowthatimnotaloneandtoassurethemthattheyrenotaloneinstagramhasbeenonesuchoutletexcepticantreallymakesenseofitbecausemyfacegetsmorelikesthatsomethingthatiputinalotofefforttosharewiththeworldoutthereitsuckshowsocialmediajustneutralizedeverythingthereisonebuttontosaythatyoulikesomethingwellfacebooknowhaslotsofoptionswithinthatonebuttontoobutwhateverattheendofthedayijustfeelhopelessseeingeverythinginthesamescrollnewsaboutlynchingsandkillingsandrapesandpoliticalpropagandafollowedbycutedogvideosandcatpicturesandstupidpicturesoffriendsonvacationanditalljustmesseswithmyheadshouldijustcompletelyshutoffbutthereareofcoursesomegoodpartstoolikethememoriesonewhichtellsmewhereiwasjustafewyearsagoandwhereiamnowandhowmuchivelearntandwhereallthosepeoplearesomeintouchsomenotandhowicaneasilyexpressmyloveformyparentsandtagtheminarticlesicouldvenevertalkedtothemaboutallofthishasjustmademewoderifishouldgetawayfromallsocialmediabecausesomeonereallyclosetometoldmerecentlythatoursocialmediabubblesareverysmallandalltheyleaveuswithissadnessandhopelessnessandarticlesbiasedbyourownopnionsbecauseobviouslytheyareourfriendsetcetcwhatshouldidothenmaybeishouldwritemypapersandthensomeletterstomylovedonesandreadbooksiwanttoreadnotjusttheonesithinkihavetoandplaywithmoredogsandfeedmorestraysandhavenopetatallandyetpetthemallhonestlydogsfeelliketheonlyhappyconstantexceptonebeaglepetbitmeandmomisworriedimightneedavaccinebuticheckedwithavetandhesaidnosoiguessimfineievenboughtdogbiscuitsformystraysbecauseyaarhowmuchmoreparlegshouldikeepfeedingthemwellilookforwardtokaapinirvanatomorrow.