What if?

 

“thank you for the support <3”

Her message popped on my phone screen.

“what?” I replied, surprised.

“for being there for me during finals”.

Oh that. Of course.

Now I remember.

I was going around telling people it’ll be fine.

Giving them hugs and words and love.

Finals week can be hard,

And I?

They assumed I was fine.

And strong.

And the happy person I’m known to be.

But you knew I wasn’t.

You knew I was breaking down too.

Maybe for different reasons, but breaking nevertheless.

And you were there for me, calming me down, telling me I can do it.

When all I wanted to do was cry myself to sleep,

You put aside your work, and drew schedules for me.

“Kya subjects hai tere. Chal bata”.
“Lit. Theory…Early Brit. lit…”
“Early… kya??”
“Haha, EBL. EBL likh”

You held my lifeless shoulders

and got me to look into your eyes,

when I only wanted to stare at the ground.

“idhar dekh? Ho jayega. Pakka.”

I don’t know if I believed you.

But I had to start somewhere.

You talked me through all of my ideas.

My ideas,

that eventually became ours.

Our ideas,

that the world now knows as mine.

Is it plagiarism if the ideas were mine, but the strength to own them came from you?

I wonder.

 

When she thanked me today, I felt guilty. Why?

Everyone believes in me.

But believing in someone is a little different from getting that someone to believe in herself.

You did the latter.

You sat me through hours of am’s and pm’s,

reminding me to eat,

to write,

to smile.

Now when my parents tell me they’re proud of me,

that they knew I always had it in me, I wonder…

 

Is it really enough to have it in me, if I can’t get it out?

What if I always need you?

What if I always need…

What if I always…

What if…

What…

 

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